Having a baby can be one of the happiest experiences of your life, but it can also put enormous pressure on your relationship. I think we do new parents a disservice when we pretend otherwise. You can adore your baby, love your partner and still occasionally wonder what on earth has happened to the two of you.

As a psychotherapist working with women and couples, these are some of the most common issues I see after becoming parents, and what can actually help.

1. You start keeping score

“I did the last feed.” “I’ve been up three times.” “I’ve got to go to work today.” “I haven’t had five minutes to myself.”

Scorekeeping usually appears when both people are exhausted and feel their contribution isn’t being recognised. The argument might be about who emptied the dishwasher, but underneath it is often: Do you see how much I’m doing?

Don’t wait until you’re furious to discuss it. Once a week, ask each other: What’s been hardest for you this week and what would make next week easier? You’re supposed to be on the same team, not competing over who has it worse.

2. The invisible workload becomes very visible

One of the biggest sources of resentment I see is that becoming parents creates hundreds of new jobs, and quite often one person becomes the default manager of them. It’s not only changing nappies. It’s knowing when you’re running out of nappies, booking appointments, researching childcare, remembering vaccinations, washing bottles and noticing the baby has suddenly outgrown everything.

That mental load is still work.

Instead of one partner saying, “Just tell me what you need me to do,” divide up ownership of tasks. If you own something, you notice it, plan it and do it. Your partner shouldn’t have to project-manage you.

3. You become Mum and Dad and forget you were a couple

In the early months, your relationship can very quickly become a small logistics company. Who’s feeding the baby? Who’s doing bedtime? Have we sterilised the bottles? When did the baby last poo?

Some of this is inevitable. But connection doesn’t have to mean elaborate date nights when you’re both knackered. Ten minutes on the sofa without phones, making each other a cup of tea, having an actual conversation that isn’t about the baby, touching each other affectionately without it automatically leading to sex. Tiny moments of connection count.

4. Sex becomes complicated

This is a huge one, particularly for women. Your body has been through pregnancy and birth, you may be breastfeeding, sleep deprived, touched-out and adjusting to a completely different relationship with your body. Desire doesn’t necessarily bounce back because you’ve passed the six-week check.

Pressure generally makes desire worse, not better.

Rather than asking, “When are we going to have sex again?” start with, “What would help you feel close to me?” Rebuilding intimacy can begin with cuddling, kissing, massage or simply lying together. Sex after a baby needs curiosity and communication, not a deadline.

5. You argue differently when you’re exhausted

Sleep deprivation removes a lot of our emotional buffering. Something you’d normally shrug off can feel absolutely enormous at 3am with a screaming baby.

One rule I’d give every new couple is: don’t try to solve your relationship in the middle of the night.

If you’re both shattered and becoming increasingly horrible to each other, call a temporary truce. Deal with what the baby needs, sleep when you can and revisit the conversation when both nervous systems are slightly less fried. Not every thought you have at 4am requires a relationship summit.

6. One or both of you can lose yourselves

Becoming a parent changes your identity, and for women particularly, that shift can be enormous. Suddenly everybody wants to know how the baby is doing and you can start to feel as though the person you were before motherhood has disappeared.

Protecting some individuality is good for the relationship. Both partners need opportunities to see friends, exercise, have interests and occasionally exist without being somebody’s mum or dad. A healthy family doesn’t require either parent to completely disappear into it.

7. Remember that you’re learning this together

I think this is the bit new parents need to hear more often. You’ve never been parents to this baby, at this stage, before. Neither of you is going to get everything right.

Try having a ten-minute weekly check-in with three questions: What went well for us this week? What felt difficult? What do you need more of from me next week?

The goal after having a baby isn’t to get your “old relationship” back. That relationship belonged to two people who weren’t parents yet. You’re building a new version of your relationship now, and with communication, fairness and a bit of compassion for how enormous this transition actually is, it can become a stronger one.

Cheryl Kennedy MacDonald is a psychotherapist and founder of Female Focused Therapy (www.femalefocusedtherapy.com). She is also the author of The Life You Didn't Plan: Why women were taught to make marriage the whole story and how to rewrite it.