After a full day of looking after your baby or toddler, the last thing you really want as a tired parent is to then spend 2 hours in a dark room trying to get them to sleep. There is a certain kind of anxiety that sits alongside having a baby or toddler who doesn’t go to sleep easily in the evenings, and it can be really hard as a parent to handle.

Whilst everyone else in your antental what’s app group or on Instagram might look like they have a baby who settles themselves to sleep easily at 7pm, perhaps your experience feels vastly different. I have been a sleep consultant for 17 years now, and bedtime resistance (not going down easily in the evening), is one of the most common topics I help parents with.

If your little one is finding it hard to fall asleep in the evening then you are not alone. The pressure feels real, but it is the pressure and build up that is also probably adding to how you feel too. Our children can sense our nervous system on edge before we even start the routine, so I would always start with ensuring that you are as calm and relaxed as possible before starting your routine. This could look like some breathing, deep breaths, a cup of tea or even your dinner, first, so that however long it takes you don’t end up getting hangry halfway through it.

Bedtime can feel hard for a small person because we know that going to sleep is essentially a form of separation. It marks the end of the day when you are asking them to be without you, and for some children that can be genuinely hard – rather than being associated with them doing it on purpose. As well as that, babies still have a circadian rhythm that is developing so if you are in those early months, you might actually just be seeing a biological body clock issue, rather than a “baby who doesn’t want to go to sleep”.

Regardless of the reason for pushing back against bedtime, there are (as always), plenty of things you can try to do to help:

• Ensure that their most recent nap is not too close to bedtime. Awake windows are a great guideline to be able to work out how much sleep baby should or shouldn’t be having and roughly at what times across the day. For example, if your toddler is sleeping until 3.30pm and you are trying to put them down at 7pm, this could genuinely be too early. At the same time, a 5 month old baby who has been awake since 2pm with a bedtime of 7pm could be very overtired and this could be stopping them fall asleep. My book The Positive Baby Sleep Book explores this in more detail if you are knee deep in the fourth trimester.
• A bedtime routine is one of the most scientifically backed ways of helping improve a childs sleep. This can be introduced from as early on as you feel ready. A sequence of events, in the same order, each evening, can massively help their chances of knowing that sleep is coming next and therefore make it easier for sleep to happen too. Generally I suggest no TV in the run up to bedtime, but if you are going to use something in that stop gap between giving them dinner (toddlers) and going up for a bath, choose something slow and mindful like CBeebies Beddybyes.
• The sleep environment is another important part of the puzzle. As we go into winter this becomes easier as evenings become darker. Keep the lights low and avoid any white or blue lights as these can make falling asleep even harder.
• Unsurprisingly, not being comfortable enough to sleep can stop sleep happening very easily. Imagine if you were bloated, had wind or had eaten something that didn’t sit right – this is no different for our babies and toddlers yet it often goes unrecognised. If you expect your little one is suffering from any tummy-related issues, they are worth looking into: not eating too close to bed, and a probiotic like Biogaia are some of the best strategies to help with this, in my experience.

Most importantly, it is good to remember that the way bedtime goes is not a reflection of your parenting. Some children need more sensory input, others just don’t want to leave your side, and some children can use bedtime as a way to release all of their emotions from across the day (especially if they have been away from you, for example in a nursery setting). A good enough bedtime is all we are looking for, and children are not robots. If you are experiencing broken and difficult bedtimes on a frequent basis, I would love to chat.

Sleep Coaching – Parenting With Heidi

@parentingwithheidi